Shadchan Lingo

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"I have someone for you!"- I remember feeling elated in my early YU days after hearing those 5 magical words. That short phrase used to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I felt that someone had finally found my bashert, and we would soon build a bayis ne’eman b’yisroel together. As time went on, those beautiful feelings vanished and I became more skeptical after hearing those words. I began to understand the real meaning of various phrases used by shadchanim when trying to convince me to take out a particular meidel. I'm sure any guy or girl that has been in the "parsha” (dating scene) for at least a couple of months can decipher the following popular phraseology. If you have yet to decode the “shadchan lingo”, and constantly find yourself being set up with “not shayich” individuals, allow me to enlighten you so you don’t get fooled again!

1) “I have someone for you” – An accurate translation for this phrase is very often “I have a friend that I’m looking to set up. You’re a guy, she’s a girl…so I figured why not?” Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are people that actually think about the compatibility of two individuals before they decide to make a suggestion, however, I have found that there are plenty of people out there who just want to get their friends married and they think you might be willing to take one for the team! Beware!

2) “She is very nice” – Amongst many buchrim, this phrase has become synonymous with saying “she is very ugly!” Saying someone is nice doesn’t mean anything other than the shaddchan doesn’t know much about the girl. If the meidel is a kind-hearted individual they will describe her middot and different chesed projects that she is involved in. If they wanted to describe her as being a caring person than they will describe her as “caring” or “sweet.” Anybody and everybody can be described as “nice.” Next time someone describes a meidel as being “nice”, follow up by asking the shadchan to elaborate on what activities she is involved in that makes her any nicer than the Michlala girl you went out with last week.

3) “Well, I think she is attractive” – This line is a response to the very legitimate question of “Is she good looking?” Despite what some people tell you about “beauty being on the inside”, “her looks will grow on you” and other such nonsense, there must be an element of attraction between the guy and girl or else there is really nothing to talk about. When a shadchan answers such an imperative question by telling you what she thinks …have no doubts, she is NOT a looker!

4) “He is involved in business” – This is commonly said to girls about guys. When a friend of mine from Stern told me that this is how some shadchans describe a guy’s profession, it is clear that there are only two possibilities on what the buchur does for a living: 1) Something illegal 2) Nothing. It’s usually the latter. Most employed people can describe in a word or two there line of work (example: Doctor, physical therapist, rabbi, financier, body builder, shepherd, yoga instructor, developer, underwear model, kollelnic, etc.). Being “involved in business” generally means “being involved in the business of doing nothing.” Ladies, unless you are looking to be involved the next major Ponzi scheme or want to spend the rest of your life supporting your husband, I would hold out for something better!

5) “He/She is very modern” – Before I started dating I used to associate the word “modern” with advancements in technology. A hybrid car would come to mind or maybe a slick new iPod. However, once I began immersing myself into this bizarre shidduch world the word “modern” has developed a whole new meaning. When asked to describe someone’s religious level I would occasionally hear “Oh, she is modern.” I was befuddled by such a description of someone’s level of religious observance, but overtime I began to notice that modern=less observant. Here is a measurement of religious level based on the usage of the word “modern”:

“Modern” = Girl wears pants; guy wears jeans and goes to the movies

“Very Modern” = Pants, movies jeans, no minyan, keeps kosher when convenient, definitely not shomer negiah.

“Very Very Modern” = Attends shul on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. May have some matzah on Pesach.The end.

Conversely, you would think that someone who is very observant would be described as “old fashion” or “Amish”, but I have yet to hear that terminology, which leads me to question the usage of the word.

6) “She /he was valedictorian in high school” –I don’t even know who the valedictorian was of my high school class! Nor do I know the valedictorian of my college class, which was more recent! Why on Earth would I care if someone excelled in their AP classes in high school? Some people don’t stop there, and they go on to describe how they were the starting point guard on the basketball team, and was captain of the chess team for their junior and senior years. WHO THE HECK CARES!?!? Did this individual do nothing worth mentioning since high school that is slightly more important than a high SAT score or having a good game against Ramaz in the playoffs? Here is some advice: Unless we are having a pickup basketball game or some type of academic decathlon, why the heck do I care about someone’s grades and extracurricular activities prior to college? It only leads me to speculate that this person reached their maximum capabilities at the tender age of 18!

7) "He's a healthy Build" – I almost burst out laughing when a girl told me that some shadchans describe a guys like this. Let me be perfectly frank about this comment. This guy is not healthy! Neither is his “build!”He spends way too much time eating at KD! Other phrases that are poor attempts to hide a buchurs weight include: "Well he isn’t a stick” (no, he is far from it!) and “he has some meat on him" (He’s a fattie!). Unless you are one of the few and rare meidels who just came back from Israel and is totally focused on ruchneeus and doesn’t care at all about gashmeeus, this should be a red flag!

To conclude: During your shidduch dating years plenty of people are going to try setting you up by pushing their own agenda. They will try to set you up with their good friend who can’t get a date, their spouse’s close friend who has been complaining about how she is 23 and still not married or someone else that they classify as being nebby that they are trying to marry off. It’s of the utmost important that you stand up to these people who try to pin you with their not shayich friends by using their deceiving “shadchan lingo.” Meidels: Stand up and let the shadchanim know that you aren’t interested in guys with “healthy builds! Make it clear that you want a clear description of what type of business a buchur is “involved in” before you decide to spend an evening with him! Buchrim: Make it clear that “very nice” girls aren’t your cup of tea and if you inquire how a meidel looks, you want a picture! Not the opinion of some shadchan you never met! Stand up for yourselves and do it now! If you wait too long you may very well end up with a very nice, modern, high school valedictorian, with a healthy build, who plans on being involved in business that some shady shadchan that you never met finds attractive!